I have felt so dry for so long. Too many things, too many plans, too busy, too rushed, too tired, too ready for wedding planning to be over, too much wavering from my God. Too much doubt about how much He loves me. Too much grumbling and discontent and rudeness coming from my mouth. My grumbling and giving in to distraction have kept me dry and cracked my heart.
But the Lord is mighty, and answers my heart’s longing for more of Him.
It started with Colossians. A refresher into the supremacy of Christ. If we have hope in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that His blood covers our unrighteousness, then the LORD considers us holy and blameless in His sight! Finally a desire for the Word! Finally, my heart is soaking it up.
And a change in my job has given me time (finally!!!) to go to BSF. And I read Matthew and Isaiah and Romans and Corinthians and am reminded that JESUS HAS CLOTHED ME WITH SALVATION. It is because of HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS that I am SET FREE from sin. Hallelujah!!!
And I know I need two things. In this season, in my waiting on wedding and working on packing and living in transition and unraveling the busy, I dedicate this Lent to
1. giving up complaining
2. practicing being present
I have grown into the type of person I don’t like being around. I complain way too stinkin' much. Icky. And I have allowed it, planted it, watered it, added Miracle Gro—you get it. So enough.
And presence. I have a journal I use for BSF. I was reading some notes I took back in 2012, of a teaching leader I greatly admire, who knows the Lord and does what He says and I want to be her. In some notes on Philippians from February 15, 2012, she said, “Wherever you are, be all there.” Wherever I am, I’m in a million places at once. Wedding details, job stuff, babysitting, feeling tired, don’t have time for myself, grumble grumble, more wedding planning, did I pay that bill, what do I need from the grocery store, what are we doing this weekend, when am I going to have time for myself?! I need to meet with this person and this person and skype and catch up and clean and launder and clean again and wedding plan some more and oh yeah I’m supposed to be working. You get it.
I need to slow down, be in the present. I want to practice contentment. I don’t want to be a mother who is flustered all the time and annoyed at her kids. I want to joyfully lick the jelly of their little fingers and laugh at how cute they are and BE in that moment with them. Peaceful. Present. In this season of my life, before marriage, before kids, in this time that I have, I want to practice contentment.
Last night I picked up One Thousand Gifts after way too long away from it, and Ann Voskamp quoted Elisabeth Elliot: “Wherever you are, be all there.” My heart flipped, because I know that was God, getting it into my head: “I love you. Be present. Be still. Give me your weary and I will clothe you with joy.”